I am in constant battle with myself. I battle against myself with my addictions. I battle against myself in all aspects of my life. I battle with myself when I want to quit. I battle with myself when I choose what to eat. I battle with myself when I choose what my workout plan will be. I battle with myself as set goals for my life and continually fail. Because of these battles I have seemed to close myself down to others around me. And I hate it. It seems I am unable to make relationships. I get close to someone, and then I break myself down and push myself away.
This battle has yielded so many casualties. So many.
So many have tried, and I mean really actually tried, but the battle takes them. I'm sick of causing a war that seems to be pointless. When is it ever going to end? And at what cost? Which side of me is going to give up? Who will win?
Monday, September 15, 2014
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
A New Journey
About a month ago I started a new journey. I boarded a plane that would eventually get me to the tiny town of Buena Vista, Virginia.
First, let me back up a bit to give you a little background.
Last Fall I was able to have the opportunity to go to Time Out for Girls and work there. The months leading up this I had been having doubts about where I wanted to attend college. It had always been my dream to BYU Hawaii and attend there with my older brother. However, for some reason I just wasn't feeling like that was the right idea. I didn't know how I was going to tell my mother. My mother has always believed in me, since the day I was conceived she has believed that I could do anything that I wanted to. How was I supposed to tell her that it had changed?
I avoided the question for a long time. When she would bring it up I wouldn't give a strait answer. She finally had me figured out and started to question what I was going to do with my life... and I didn't have an answer. All I knew was that I wasn't supposed to go to Hawaii.
Anyway, back to TOFG. While I was there, there was a booth set up for a college called Southern Virginia University. I had never heard of it before... and honestly I had no idea that it was associated with TOFG. I just figured it was a way for the school to get publicity at a large event in Portland. I met up with my mom right around lunch time and come to find out she had been talking with the SVU representative and she had all these great things to say. I kinda just shrugged it off and we went about the rest of the day. (I will admit that when the Rep wasn't at the upstairs booth I took one of the lanyards and a bumper sticker..shhhh) The next day my mom just had so much to say about this little university from the other side of the country. I finally agreed to go with her and talk to the representative... and even though he beat around the bush I little, I liked the answers that I was getting. They had a great pre-med program. They have good professor to student relationships. It was sounding okay... but I really wasn't interested.
My mom kept talking to him about the school... but I just went about the rest of my activities. Finally, my mom convinced me to drive up to Beaverton the next night to go to a fireside that would explain more about the school. I went to the fireside. It was great.... and it felt right. (But I hadn't told my mom that yet). I went home and I prayed about it... and I knew that this was where the Lord wanted me to go. I started filling out the applications, and I get my ecclesiastical endorsement, etc. I finally got an acceptance letter and a phone call saying that I was accepted and that I would be receiving a decent academic scholarship. I finally told my mom, and she was ecstatic. This all happened by the end of November. Within a month, I had a plan of where I was going to school.
And then I looked how much it would cost to attend this University that I was guided to. The only money I had was what the school had given me. Real quick, let me just testify of the power of tithing. I absolutely know with all of my heart, that if you are going after a righteous desire, and you dutifully pay your tithing... you will be provided for. I know it.
Long story short, I had the money that I needed to make it school. (Also, a huge, GINORMOUS THANK YOU! x1000 to all those who have helped provide for me and pay for my school. I never got any thank you cards out [I'm awful, I know], so I will take this opportunity to say now... THANK YOU!) Anyway....
Back to the story... SO... in the back of my mind had been this nagging lingering thought that wouldn't go away. I wanted to play soccer. I had never believed that I could do it... but after season Senior year my coach told me that he would help me train and attempt to help me reach a collegiate level. I didn't quite make it there... but I was a heck of a lot more ready than I was in the fall. But still... how was I going to go about making it on the team? I wasn't going to recruited, that was for sure. I guess I was going to have to go to him. I emailed my coach, and told him that I had a passion for soccer, and that I wanted to play. My high school coach also emailed him. He finally got back to me... and after months and months (I think I waited until March or April) and he finally told me that I was on the team. I cannot tell you how excited I was to hear that news. I thought I was going to wet myself... I mean... not really. Anyway... I got started on getting myself trained for the season. I had around five months... but this for another story. To make it shorter... I had five months to get myself ready for collegiate level soccer.
Okay.. we kind of got way off track here........ I guess that's the background. I got accepted, I am playing soccer, and I made the money to get to school.
I boarded the plane on Wednesday the 13th of August.... and nearly (a lot) of hours later I made it to Virginia. I sat next a teammate (who I had no idea who she was) and then waited for a shuttle at the airport. I waited for three hours, and then the I got on the shuttle. About an hour later I was at the dorms unloading all my crap into my room. Once I got all unpacked I decided I wanted to go on a run. I put on my running clothes and began. About halfway through my run I was contacted by the person who picked me (Lanie) and she asked if I wanted to go to Walmart. Of course I did! We went to Walmart and I got what I needed.
My classes have been fantastic. I am so grateful for the friends I have made here. Especially the ones that I have gotten close to. (You know who you are). I am grateful for the soccer team, and it feels like I am family and how we can all bond because we are passionate about soccer. I love it here. I hate the humidity, but I love it here. God knew what he was doing when He sent me here.
Go SVU!!!!!!
Guys, This journey has been wonderful. It hasn't been easy, and I miss home like crazy, but this is where I am supposed to be.
First, let me back up a bit to give you a little background.
Last Fall I was able to have the opportunity to go to Time Out for Girls and work there. The months leading up this I had been having doubts about where I wanted to attend college. It had always been my dream to BYU Hawaii and attend there with my older brother. However, for some reason I just wasn't feeling like that was the right idea. I didn't know how I was going to tell my mother. My mother has always believed in me, since the day I was conceived she has believed that I could do anything that I wanted to. How was I supposed to tell her that it had changed?
I avoided the question for a long time. When she would bring it up I wouldn't give a strait answer. She finally had me figured out and started to question what I was going to do with my life... and I didn't have an answer. All I knew was that I wasn't supposed to go to Hawaii.
Anyway, back to TOFG. While I was there, there was a booth set up for a college called Southern Virginia University. I had never heard of it before... and honestly I had no idea that it was associated with TOFG. I just figured it was a way for the school to get publicity at a large event in Portland. I met up with my mom right around lunch time and come to find out she had been talking with the SVU representative and she had all these great things to say. I kinda just shrugged it off and we went about the rest of the day. (I will admit that when the Rep wasn't at the upstairs booth I took one of the lanyards and a bumper sticker..shhhh) The next day my mom just had so much to say about this little university from the other side of the country. I finally agreed to go with her and talk to the representative... and even though he beat around the bush I little, I liked the answers that I was getting. They had a great pre-med program. They have good professor to student relationships. It was sounding okay... but I really wasn't interested.
My mom kept talking to him about the school... but I just went about the rest of my activities. Finally, my mom convinced me to drive up to Beaverton the next night to go to a fireside that would explain more about the school. I went to the fireside. It was great.... and it felt right. (But I hadn't told my mom that yet). I went home and I prayed about it... and I knew that this was where the Lord wanted me to go. I started filling out the applications, and I get my ecclesiastical endorsement, etc. I finally got an acceptance letter and a phone call saying that I was accepted and that I would be receiving a decent academic scholarship. I finally told my mom, and she was ecstatic. This all happened by the end of November. Within a month, I had a plan of where I was going to school.
And then I looked how much it would cost to attend this University that I was guided to. The only money I had was what the school had given me. Real quick, let me just testify of the power of tithing. I absolutely know with all of my heart, that if you are going after a righteous desire, and you dutifully pay your tithing... you will be provided for. I know it.
Long story short, I had the money that I needed to make it school. (Also, a huge, GINORMOUS THANK YOU! x1000 to all those who have helped provide for me and pay for my school. I never got any thank you cards out [I'm awful, I know], so I will take this opportunity to say now... THANK YOU!) Anyway....
Back to the story... SO... in the back of my mind had been this nagging lingering thought that wouldn't go away. I wanted to play soccer. I had never believed that I could do it... but after season Senior year my coach told me that he would help me train and attempt to help me reach a collegiate level. I didn't quite make it there... but I was a heck of a lot more ready than I was in the fall. But still... how was I going to go about making it on the team? I wasn't going to recruited, that was for sure. I guess I was going to have to go to him. I emailed my coach, and told him that I had a passion for soccer, and that I wanted to play. My high school coach also emailed him. He finally got back to me... and after months and months (I think I waited until March or April) and he finally told me that I was on the team. I cannot tell you how excited I was to hear that news. I thought I was going to wet myself... I mean... not really. Anyway... I got started on getting myself trained for the season. I had around five months... but this for another story. To make it shorter... I had five months to get myself ready for collegiate level soccer.
Okay.. we kind of got way off track here........ I guess that's the background. I got accepted, I am playing soccer, and I made the money to get to school.
I boarded the plane on Wednesday the 13th of August.... and nearly (a lot) of hours later I made it to Virginia. I sat next a teammate (who I had no idea who she was) and then waited for a shuttle at the airport. I waited for three hours, and then the I got on the shuttle. About an hour later I was at the dorms unloading all my crap into my room. Once I got all unpacked I decided I wanted to go on a run. I put on my running clothes and began. About halfway through my run I was contacted by the person who picked me (Lanie) and she asked if I wanted to go to Walmart. Of course I did! We went to Walmart and I got what I needed.
My classes have been fantastic. I am so grateful for the friends I have made here. Especially the ones that I have gotten close to. (You know who you are). I am grateful for the soccer team, and it feels like I am family and how we can all bond because we are passionate about soccer. I love it here. I hate the humidity, but I love it here. God knew what he was doing when He sent me here.
Go SVU!!!!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)