When I'm Drowning

I fail.

A lot.

I make the same mistakes over and over again.
I say things I regret.
I think things that I shouldn't, and I am constantly doing things that disappoint my Savior.

And let me tell you. The burden of sin is so real.

I felt like Peter. I felt like I was walking on water... and then I faltered in faith and action. The only difference is that I had put an anchor of sin around my neck and I was allowing it to drag me down. I was drowning. It got to a point where I felt my lungs were filling with water and there was no turning back. I had built a two layer brick wall around my heart and every time the Spirit or the Savior tried to tear a brick down, I just put another layer up. But let me tell you something.

The Savior dove in after me. He swam to the bottom and extended his hand towards me- desperately wanting me to reach out to him.

But I had to let him grab me.

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf said in this most recent general conference: "It matters not how completely ruined our lives may seem. It matters not how scarlet our sins, how deep our bitterness, how lonely, abandoned, or broken our hearts may be. Even those who are without hope, who live in despair, who have betrayed trust, surrendered their integrity, or turned away from God can be rebuilt... There is no life so shattered that it cannot be restored."

He DOVE in after me! Why me? What was so special about me? Why did I... a sinner deserve any of  it? It took me a while, but I finally realized that I am a daughter of God, and only Jesus Christ understands the love that my Heavenly Father has for me because he suffered for and in that love. He did it because he loves me. I am loved by the Great Shepherd. And I could rejoice from the top of my lungs knowing that fact.

The power of prayer is so real.

It all starts with prayer and a want to change. Praying desperately. A literal wrestle with God as I tried to right my wrongs. Crying on my knees to Him because of my shortcomings. Crying to Him in gratitude for his love. Crying in love to Him for willingly diving in after me. He already suffered. He already paid the price. A debt that I could not repay.

I rolled out of bed in the mornings and muttered that half-awake but heartfelt prayer. I collapsed on my knees in the evenings and plead to the Father to feel his love and forgiveness. I was actually trying to maintain a relationship with the Savior and my Father in Heaven. It made all the difference.

Later in that talk by President Uchtdorf he says, "The joyous news of the gospel is this: because of the eternal plan of happiness provided by our loving Heavenly Father and through the infinite sacrifice of Jesus the Christ, we can not only be redeemed form our fallen state and restored to purity, but we can also transcend mortal imagination and become heirs of eternal life and partakers of God's indescribable glory"

Indescribably glory.

What does that even mean? Oh man but do I want that! I want to be joyous in Heaven surrounded by family and My loving Older Brother. I can have that! The atonement makes that possible. He can and does restore us! We can have all of the blessings that the Father has in store for us. We just have to put in the effort. I am a living testimony!

Scripture study came next. Along with the desperate longing for answers to prayers, my understanding of the scriptures increased immensely. I no longer saw scripture study as a burden. I started to see certain verses stick out and it seemed that for the first time-- they actually applied personally to my life. It was wonderful.

I always loved institute, but now-- it started to make a difference in my life. Phrases of action would stand out and the Lord was showing me the things that I needed to change.

I had never felt so excited for general conference.

 I had made a change in my life. All because I decided to humble myself and accept the gift and sacrifice that my Savior had already offered for me.

How could I let his already paid sacrifice be in vain?

The atonement is real. Prayer is real. Scripture Power is real. The Savior wants to forgive. Do the things that will allow the Spirit to be present in your life. Draw near unto Him, and he will draw near unto you. He loves us so much! All we need to do is repent and do our best to keep his commandments. Confess our sins. See your bishop if you need to. Pray for the atonement. Pray for a testimony. Do what you need to in order to have a relationship with our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and we will feel that love and comfort.

"Remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea his shafts in the whirlwind, yeah when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall." 

~Helaman 5:12~

A Couple Extra Dollars

Recently I have been given the opportunity to make a few extra dollars by sweeping and mopping the gym floor in the Arena here at school. It's only two nights a week and it never takes more than an hour and a half. It isn't a ton of hours, but I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity I have to add a little more to my bank account.

I go Monday and Thursday nights. On Thursdays I start at 11:00 p.m. That's late for someone like me. (I am a grandma) I am awake at 6:00 that morning, and I finally make it to bed around 1a.m that night. (After I shower/brush my teeth/read my scriptures/etc). I am then up again at 6:00 the next morning to prepare for my day and get ready for my 8a.m. class.

Although grateful... I dread my Thursday nights. I'm usually exhausted, and I'm never very excited to go and have a party mopping. Mopping a huge gym floor isn't glorious, especially when late night college students are playing basketball on the court while you're mopping. I show up, I put my headphones in, listen to general conference talks, and ignore everyone while I get to work. And I usually work up a sweat.

 It's moments like these where I have learned some of the greatest lessons in gratitude.

My mother.

My mother is an angel.

She is the strongest woman I know, and I am so incredibly grateful for her faith and example... Let me explain.

When I am analyzing the marks in the floor I have just mopped, I think of my mother. I think of the countless times I have gone to work with my mother cleaning houses and pushed a mop around someone else's floor. I think of the hours I have spent with her, bonding, and learning how to work hard while I watch her do some of the most unpleasant manual labor. I think of the times we have laughed, had lunch dates, talked about serious life issues while we both slaved away just to make a couple extra dollars. Except, for my mom.. it isn't just a couple extra dollars.

My mother doesn't mop floors and clean toilets because she enjoys it. She doesn't do it because she just gets a thrill from plugging in the vacuum. My mother does it because she has to in order to make ends meet. And although she doesn't like it, I know she is so grateful for the opportunity she has to have work and to be able to provide.

Being her own boss, she is able to attend our soccer games, wrestling tournaments, state fair, etc. She knows how important it was to us that she was there to support us. So not only was she working full-time, but she was grocery shopping, fulfilling her church callings, attending sports games, cleaning our own house, cooking our dinner, and now attending school part-time.

Like I said, my mother is an angel.

My mother works her butt off. I don't know a single person who works harder than she does.
And I am so incredibly grateful that she has done everything she can to ingrain her work ethic into me.

The few hours a year that I go to work with my mother are nothing compared to the hours and weeks that she spends working her butt off to clean another persons living room. Or to make another person's bed.

So I just wanted to say that I gained a little perspective by pushing a mop around, just to earn a couple extra dollars. 

So mom, thanks for everything. Thanks for building my testimony. Thanks for teaching me how to work hard.

P.S. thanks for birthing me too... I guess that is kinda important.

Love you mom.

Squad

Friendship is real.

Adventures are real. 

Adventures with your best friends make for some of the best memories. 

Hiking through the mud and ice, talking about our futures, admiring the woman who was hiking with a prosthetic, blazing our own trail and almost dying (thanks Sierra, you're welcome Kadee) and having the time of our lives. 

I love these people.

18 credits, four squad members left, and DETERMINATION to adventure hard this semester. 

Surprise Visits

Holy Smokes. Christmas Break.

 Christmas is my FAVORITE time of year. Ask my friends... they know. Oh MAN do they know. They knew that I was watching Christmas movies at the beginning of November. (And between you and me, I may have even watched one before Halloween). And they still loved me anyway. 

That's how you know you have a quality friendship.

Getting home from school was great. I needed a break. My brain needed to rest. And I missed my family. It was so good to be home for my brothers engagement. It was so good to be home and spend time with my brothers and my amazing mother. It was so good to be home.

That being said, I hate not being busy. Being home, I had way too much down time on my hands. (I'm sure my mother will tell me that I couldn't helped out a little more with the chores  I was going a little crazy.  But I knew that the last week I was home was going to be crazy fun. We had a lot if activities planned. We were going to go to the zoo lights, we were going to stay at the beach for a few days, and have a pinochle party. It was going to be SO FUNNNN!

So imagine this. I am sitting at the computer (I actually got ready for the day [put on make up] because my mom told me that we were going out for lunch), and my mom comes in from "work". I look at her and the next thing you know, MATT WALKS IN!! One of my closest and very best friends was here to visit! I couldn't believe it. Especially because my mom and I had talked about driving down to Utah to surprise him and his family! He was in town for a wedding of some of the members that he taught on his mission, and he was staying with us. Whoop whoop!

This is the face you make when one of
your closest friends shows up at your
house as a surprise.  

And this is what happens when you have to say goodbye

Something I've learned... if you're going to get your trash kicked in a snowball fight, at least do it with a smile
on your face. 

And this is what happens when you get tackled
for taking too many pictures... you take another
picture of getting tackled just to tick him off hahaha

That tiny human in those pictures down on those rocks... yeah that's Matthew. 

Holy Moly I love and adore his boy

Our trip consisted of going to the beach, climbing on cliffs, freezing our butts off at the zoo lights, attempting to play soccer in the freezing cold, kicking their trash playing football on the beach, late night movies, sliding into a ditch (TWICE) at 11:30 p.m., a wedding, hanging out with the elders, and so much more. It was so much fun. Sorry not sorry for monopolizing all of your time bro.

Definitely bonded with this kid over the break. He's hilarious, super witty,
hard-working and a freaking stud!

Is it a Donkey, or a rabbit?? (Comment your opinion  please. Also,
look at the back legs...)

Holla out there for best friends and surprise visits.