So- I started writing this blog post in July of 2016. I've been working on it for months leading up to this point.
Yes, I really am going to serve a mission.
No, I wasn't that girl that always knew I was going to serve a mission. For me, it was a process. So this post is for those who never thought they were going to serve, and those who are struggling to accept the Lord's need for them to serve.
Now guys, brace yourselves... (I feel like I say that too often in my blog posts...) Anyway, I am about to let you into the
very personal part of my life- the following is snippets and pieces from journal entries within the past year.
January 10th, 2015:
"I have began to seriously pray about serving a mission. I don't know if I need to serve one, but I am feeling a sense or urgency for my life... like something needs to change. My heart has definitely become more open to the idea... I just need an answer about what the Lord wants me to do.."
February 12th, 2016:
"For the past couple weeks I have been praying whether or not I should serve a mission."
"I want to be the type that does what the Lord asks me to and does not hesitate for one second."
At this point I was probably getting a subtle answer- but I wasn't listening quite enough to get it.
February 21st, 2016:
"I heard a talk and a quote stood out to me. It said, 'Make the
choice to do what God has asked us'... I have made the choice that if the Lord wants me to go and do something, I will do it." (I guess I didn't know what I was getting into when I said that;)
Again, I am recognizing the Spirit, but I don't think I was quite ready to listen to what He was trying to tell me.
March 28th, 2016:
"Yesterday I had a meeting with the bishop. So I walked in his office and we talked for a second and he asked what I wanted to talk about. I told him, 'I have received the answer to a prayer that I need to serve a mission, but I know that I'm not supposed to go right now because I am supposed to be here next semester.'"
I knew that I still had things to do out at SVU, but at this point I couldn't deny that the Lord wanted me to serve a mission. And it scared me. A lot.
June 5th 2016:
"I know that I am supposed to serve a mission. I am not doing it for anyone. I am not doing it because of a broken heart. I
know without a doubt that I am supposed to go. It just feels right. It feels as right as SVU. I know the Lord's timing is perfect and I need to pray and fast and stay receptive to the Spirit."
Shortly after this I told my mother and my older brother (only a couple of close friends knew before that) and my moms stunned reaction along with my brother's tears were moments I won't forget.
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My WHOLE life, I never planned on going on a mission. Not that I didn't have faith in the Lord's plan or anything... I just had several somewhat logical reasons. Among some of those were:
1.) I have schooling coming out of ears. I wanted to get that done, finished and out of the way.
2.) I have never felt prompted to go (despite the nagging and harassment from my older brother... love you Brandon), and lastly....
3.)
I didn't want to go.
Yes, you heard that right. I had absolutely no desire to serve a mission. Even when I got the firm and undeniable answer that I was supposed to go, I still wasn't convinced that I
wanted to.
There was absolutely nothing inside of me that yearned to serve a mission. Not because I didn't think that a mission would be a good decision, but because I always saw my myself in school. I was going to get my degree, get into medical school, get married, be a doctor and work with kids for the rest of my life. I simply didn't see a mission fitting into
my plans. You see, that was the problem though, they were only
my plans. Of course I had prayerfully considered the path I should take regarding school and all of that... but... a mission just never fit in.
I had asked several times in the past if I should serve, but I
never asked being open to the possibility of a "yes". And I fought it. Let me tell you, I fought it hard. I wasn't receptive to an answer, but only because I had closed myself down to the possibility of a "yes".
Anyone who knows me knows that I don't like change. I'm stubborn and proud and I like things the way that they are. Especially if they are good. When the idea came that I might actually be supposed to serve, I didn't like it because it meant a lot of things would be changing.
As you can see, coming to this decision was a process for me. A very spiritual "come to Jesus" process. And it was hard. I had to face parts of myself and my past that I didn't like. I had to face parts of myself that I tried to ignore. Through this whole process I feel like I have been willingly putting myself into the refiners fire. It's uncomfortable. I am being heated, stretched, pounded, and molded into a destined daughter of God. And I have got a long way to go. That being said, I
know that this is the best possible thing I can be doing with my life, because it is what the Lord wants me to do.
Fast forward: November 6th, 2016. I still know without a doubt that I am supposed to serve a mission. Although I thought I would be leaving this winter, I know I am supposed to be out at SVU this spring for one last semester. Something has changed inside of me. I am excited to go and serve. I am excited to grow in ways I never expected. I am excited for the people I will meet and how they will impact my life. I am excited to learn, and to dedicate my life fully to the service of the Lord, so that others can have the same joy, peace, comfort and love that I have in my life.
Fast forward again: January 3rd, My mission papers are nearly completed. The peace I feel in my life at this moment is beyond comprehension. I have absolutely no doubt that the Lord is guiding my life- and that He wants me to serve a mission. I know that all my experiences the past year have helped me come to this decision.
January 11th, 2017: Nearly a year after I had the prompting to serve, I had an interview with my bishop. My papers are
so close to being submitted. I have felt a closeness to the Savior that I have never felt in my life. I feel His strength feeding into me as he approves the path that I am on. I know without a doubt that His hand is actively guiding my life.
Yes, this journey has been a "Come to Jesus" journey, but oh how I have loved coming closer to Him. I cannot wait to share with others the love that I feel from the Savior. I cannot wait to testify of His restoration, and the reality of the First Vision. I cannot wait to bear testimony of the atoning sacrifice of the Redeemer, and how I
know that he can heal, comfort, and forgive.
The Lord has guided me this far, and He hasn't let me down yet. So I'm choosing to trust in Him and trust in His timing.
~Therefore, if ye have desires to serve God ye are called to the work.~ D&C 4:3
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Stay tuned to find out when I get my call to where the Lord needs me to serve
