Broken or just Re-modeled?

I know two things. God has a plan for each and every one of us. And Second, each and every one of us deserves to be happy. I guess you could say that has been one of the motivating factors in my life for the past four months.

So this here is my family.

Me, Dad, Mom, Austin, Ammon, Brandon

Half-way through my first semester of college I figured out that my family was going to be going through some major structural changes:

My father had told my mother that he wanted a divorce.

I guess you could say that it wasn't a huge shocker to hear that. There had been a lot of contention in my home for a long time. I just never expected something so drastic to occur while I was over 2000 miles away trying to achieve my own success.

My brothers and I are close. Super close. I mean, I don't know if they think they are... but I do and that is all that matters. Being here in Virginia it was hard- because my brothers and I have stuck together through all the other crap for the 18 years that I have been alive. I am so far away and I didn't feel that I was able to be there for them like I always had been. It's hard to not be with them suffering. How am I supposed to "bear one another's burdens" when I all the way over here? The guilt I feel for loving life over here while the rest of my family is going through hell is sometimes overwhelming. It wasn't fair to them that they had to deal with the pain and the reality of a constant world that was now changing while I was avoiding it all.

Don't get me wrong- I felt I had a good childhood. I was close with my family. We go camping and hiking, and go to the beach, cook meals together, bake together, and have game-nights and go to each other's sporting events, we worked on our scripture study  and family prayer, we tried to have FHE, we had family dinner, we all helped to make the household run, (Okay, we weren't always the best at getting chores done... sorry mom), we joked with each other, laughed with each other, etc. etc. etc. I had a good childhood- but there was a lot of contention.

That being said, I taken aback by this structural change. Yes, my heart hurt, and yes I felt a little broken... but not surprised.

Hanging out with these sexy men Christmas Eve----> The only men I will ever need in my life

The day that I was informed that my dad wanted a divorce and was planning on moving out within a week- I cried on the phone to my mom. We talked for a while... but there wasn't anything I could say or do. And that kills/killed me. One of the worst things through this whole process was watching and hearing my mother cry and to not be able to do anything about it.

I told three people. When I found out- I told two of my best friends from back home. And right before I came home for Christmas break I told my best friend here.

I didn't want to tell people. Partly because I didn't want people to know how screwed up my family life was, but also because I don't want pity. I don't like wearing my heart on my sleeve, and that would've made me vulnerable. So basically my coping technique was to put in the back of my mind and focus on school.

My absolutely amazing, strong, gorgeous, loud, wise, brilliant, spiritual,
hilarious, loving mother. Mom, I think you are amazing. You are the strongest woman I know. I hope to be just like you!
You are absolutely outstanding. You are my rock- and I miss you like crazy. You listen to my crazy phone-calls, buy me pizza when I am emotional and are always supporting me. Remember who you are. The Lord loves you and I love you. 

That being said, I didn't deal with anything until I got home. When I got home my father had moved out of our home and moved in with his girlfriend and her four kids.

I guess some people move on fast.

It was so good to be home! I got to see my brothers, my mom, and my dog. I say my father maybe five times.

My best non-human friend

Christmas Eve in my family we have tradition of going to my Dad's parents, and my Mom's parents on Christmas day. My brothers and I went to my dad's parents house without him. Christmas day we went with my mom to my grandmas house-- and it was awesome!

Christmas was wonderful. Way more awesome than I expected it to be with my family being split up.

Things have changed a lot. There is a lot more financial pressure on my family. Each of us in our family have been dealing with it in different ways, some us better than others. Each of our roles within the family shifted a bit as my older brother seemed to take on more of a "father" role and the responsibilities have to be split differently among each of us.

Real quick I want to say "Thank you" to every person who has been there for our family through this. People in our ward and our family have been a major backbone in making sure that we don't fall apart. So thank you.

I don't know if there is a whole lot more to say on the matter. I feel hurt, betrayed, scared, upset and relieved.There has been a lot of fights, a lot of hurt feelings, a lot of mean words, and a lot of surprises. But here is what I think:

As I said before, each person deserves to be happy. There hasn't been true happiness for my parents for a long time. I want them to be happy- they deserve it. I think this divorce is what is going to allow them to reach it.

So even if I don't approve of all the choices that family members of mine are making- they deserve to be happy.

BUT

I think the only way that they are going to find that true happiness is if they are doing things according to God's plan for us. They need to be keeping the commandments and living according to His word.  If they do that- they are going to find that happiness.

And God does have a plan for us. It is up to us to find out what it is. We need to live our lives according to His will. If we do, we are going to find that happiness that the Lord wants us to find.

"Adam fell that man might be, and man are that they might have joy."

We are on this Earth because we have the power to choose our joy. It's time to choose it.

So no- I don't come from a broken home. No, I am not going to be one of those statistics.
Yes, my home is being remodeled from a shack being barely held together by people with good intentions --> to a mansion with gold trim.

Bring it on world- we are going to be ready for you.

The sad face I make when I was on the way to the airport. It's hard to be away from
the biggest support of my life.

Little brother- I love your guts. You are a stud. You are hilarious. We are both headstrong, so we fight sometimes, but your stubbornness is going to get you far in life. Don't every forget who you are and what your purpose is. Keep working hard
and don't do anything that I wouldn't do. I love you little brother. You are a rock-star. Keep being awesome. 

This studly man who is finally hitting "the puberty" #moodswings
I love this little man. He is hilarious, he loves to try new things, he loves chocolate,
he loves that his dog fetches, and he can ALWAYS put a smile upon my face. I love you Teeno-Man

Our somewhat successful scuba diving trip

The older brother that has always been there for me... even if we don't always get along. The older brother who has taught me
what a man should be and how to work hard. The older brother who has taught me how to have awesome come-backs and how to fight. The brother who tells me I am beautiful even when I feel my ugliest. I love you big brother!

I see you world. I am ready for you. I'm stronger than you think I am!

I love you guys! I will see you in three months! Don't have too much fun without me! Stay strong- and know that I am here for you- even if I'm 2200 miles away. I love you.