A Little Heartbreak

Alright.

I’m writing this for the sole purpose of journaling and not much else. Not sure if I’m even going to publish it... well, I probably am because hey, can’t hurt?

Anyway.

The break up.

It was not an easy decision.

I agonized over it for weeks.

BUT.

Backing up to my return from summer; things were good. The distance had been very hard, and being back with him was like breathing a breath I’d been holding for two months.  But there was always the thought of him leaving for school in October looming over me. But I was willing to live it up for the time that we had together.

That being said, things had changed. Things were different... and I could feel it. And it was confusing for me. It was hard when words said one thing, but actions said another.

Things at some times were good, but others they were bad. And it just different.

He became distant, and while he fought some pretty intense personal demons I fell further down on the priority list. And I 100% supported his fight, and a fight it was, to better himself. But as he became all consumed with this battle, the words “I love you” became hollow because I no longer seemed to matter. His time was no longer loaned to me, but forced for a date every now and then when there was ample time to spend together.

It was hard because it seemed all the things he had told me and promised me became a lie, but I know that isn’t fair because people change and desire change.

Anyway.,

Breaking things off with someone you’re still in love with hurts like hell. But once I had made the decision, it was crystal clear that it was time and that it was the right thing to do.

It could have been because I cared too much, it could have been because I wanted too much, it could’ve been because I wouldn’t go further physically with him, it could’ve been because the seriousness of the relationship was too much or too real, could’ve been that his demons were too strong to fight for both. Honestly though, the truth is that I won’t really know. And that’s okay. I knew how I wanted to be treated in a relationship, I knew I wanted communication. I knew I wanted someone who was “all in” when they said they were. And although I was willing to fight the demons with him, it seemed they were too much for him to do both.

Sometimes I wonder if I gave up too soon, didn’t have enough patience or mercy... but I think of the clarity when I finally made the decision and that keeps me grounded.

I learned a lot through the course of the relationship. And although it hurt, and lots of tears were shed,  I don’t regret it any of it.

Alright, it’s out there.

P.S.

The song “Closure” by Hayley Warner is 10/10 my break up song.