Moving On.

 I woke up early the morning of our procedure. 

Showered the night before with their shower kit. 

Showered that morning. 

Trevor gave me blessing. I was told I would recover. No complications would happen, and that I would feel peace that the D&C was the right choice for us. 

Drive was normal, even if we got behind 4 different semi trucks. One hauling sheep. We passed a sign in Ketchum that said “Abortion IS healthcare”. I wanted to set it on fire. I don’t want to have to have one. My baby wasn’t alive. My abortion was about health and recovery. Not about birth control. I can’t believe that people voluntarily choose it. Makes me sick. 

Checked in at the hospital. 

Taken back to my room. Stripped into a surgical gown. I was freezing. Warm blankets. Compression sleeves around my calves to keep blood moving. He asked me questions. Lots and lots of questions. 

My emotions were close to the surface. Constantly thinking about how just in 20-30-40 minutes my baby which never really was, was going to be gone. 

The nurse was kind. He tried to be chipper. Which maybe wasn’t a bad thing? But at the same time it just made me feel like he didn’t understand. Didn’t understand that that day was one of the hardest days of my life. 

After the questions. He started the IV. The cold spray was horrible. Felt exactly like concentrated painful ice on my arm held there for too long in negative degree weather conditions. Very unpleasant. IV done. 

Doctor came in and talked to me. Nurse for anesthesia came in and talked to me. He was odd. Intense. 

It was time for them to roll me back. I was given a relaxant. I mouthed I love you to Trevor as they wheeled me out. I could see fear and helplessness in his eyes. He wanted to hold me. To not let me out of sight. Fuck I love that man. 

I could feel the relaxant as they wheeled me out. My vision a little blurry. 

I shifted to the operating table and the last thing I remember is them telling me, “We’ll take good care of you”. I responded “I know you will”, and I was out. 

I woke up and came out of the anesthesia feeling empty. Tears on my cheeks. Apparently I said hi and waved to Trevor. No recollection of that. 

There was a different nurse helping post-op. I remember she said, “I’m not sure how you felt about this pregnancy but given my own losses I’m very sorry”

I remember saying that we were sorry too. 

Using the bathroom and feeling very unsteady on my feet. 

Getting dressed and being wheeled to the front. Trevor getting the car.

Trevor driving me home. Falling asleep. 

Getting food at Smiley Creek. 

Getting home and falling asleep again. Waking up and falling asleep again. 

Not bleeding lot. 

Suffering emotionally. 

I don’t know why God would see fit for us to suffer this way. I’m not sure what’s to be learned from this. But truthfully just trying to put one foot in front of the other each day. I’m not sure what I need to do to heal. But I know I feel peace outside in the mountains. I feel peace when Trev is holding me. Just trying to lean into the things that are filling the emptiness inside of me.